Stop Hiding

A guest post by Sarah Beale

I don’t typically post a lot of personal things online, but wanted to share this. Mostly because I know I’m not the only one who is eager to see 2018 go, who is anxiously awaiting the turn of the calendar as if somehow the slate will be wiped clean and all of the difficulties of the past year will fade and won’t follow me into 2019.

To be honest, this year was hard. Last year sitting on the couch (or most likely sleeping) watching the ball drop, I was not envisioning my 2018 including all that it had in store for me. 

Little did I know this year would be the year of doctors visits, hospital stays, and new medications. To summarize: in May I was diagnosed with celiac disease and in June I had my gallbladder removed. Later this fall, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and started taking medication and going to counseling. And to round it all off, the Saturday before Christmas I experienced symptoms of a possible retinal tear and ended up in the ER. 

All this to say, life has been hard recently and I haven’t handled all of these obstacles with grace or a positive attitude. In fact, I’ve been grumpy, resentful, and angry though most of it. I’ve been angry that I can’t eat whatever or wherever I want, and ashamed and bitter that I have to fight a daily battle against depression and anxiety.  But a few nights ago, I had peace and it was if God said to me, “I’m still here. I know you think I have left you but I haven’t, and I’m not going anywhere.” 

I’m aware that many of you reading this are going through hardship. And for many of you, your struggles are so much worse than my own- you have endured unimaginable suffering and loss. I didn’t write this make light of your struggles or to complain about my own, but simply to be honest and real because for so much of my life I have hid behind this facade of fear. Fear of what others will think of me, or fear of the unknown. But 2018 has taught me that life is short and we all struggle, and most of the time we hide behind these struggles, alone. My resolution for 2019: stop hiding.

When I hoped last year that 2018 would be full of ease and without hardship, that was simply a fantasy. So this year, as I welcome 2019, my prayer for myself and all of us is simply this: that when the struggles come, we would remember those words He whispered and is still whispering “I am (still) here.”

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3 Thoughts

  1. Our eternal home is much more than any rose garden here. Personal struggles are difficult but so is the waiting in the wings for loved ones to realize and act out of who they are in Christ and to live by faith in His promised abundant life. Matthew 28:20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” 2Peter 1:12 Therefore, I will always be ready to remind you of these things, even though you already know them, and have been established in the truth which is present with you. Psa 46:1b God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in [rouble. Thank you for being real and vulnerable

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  2. I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult year, Sarah. I completely understand and although my reasons are different, many of our feelings are the same. I see you. And I pray for peace and strength for you in this new year. Xoxo

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  3. Holy smokes… I can totally relate to your feelings and reactions to what you’ve been dealing with this year. So much so, anyone who reads your blog and knows my feelings would think you wrote my exact words. 😟
    I too was in agony waiting for 2018 to end. 2019 couldn’t come fast enough. I not only wanted it to pass… I wanted to rip the whole year out of history (yes, I know my son was born in 2018).
    Once the clock stuck midnight and it became New Year’s Day, I breathed a huge sigh of relief like I had been choking for air all year, but you’re right… That doesn’t mean this year is all of a sudden going to be issue-free. It’s not like 2019 is “the holy year”. Or in other words, “the set apart year for everything to go MY way”.
    I need to rely on His grace to sustain me and teach me what it is to rejoice in all circumstances. 😔
    Thank you for that reminder, Sarah! I desperately needed it. 💔

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