It’s that season again: twinkle lights are twinkling, jingle bells are jingling, carolers are caroling, and Christians are all up in arms about some affront to our favorite holiday.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, amiright?
I’m actually a bit early to the game, since I’m writing this in November, which means I haven’t yet gotten the annual memo detailing what all good Christians are supposed to be offended about this year. So, since it’s still early, I thought I could offer some suggestions to get the ball rolling.
One possibility, of course, could be to revisit a fan favorite: the Satanic Starbucks Controversy™. Last year (or was it two years ago? I don’t remember?), the iconic Seattle coffee chain launched a dastardly liberal plot which threatened the very foundations of Christendom. Their seasonal coffee cup that year included none of the classic Christian iconography celebrating the incarnation, like reindeer or bells or snowmen, opting instead for a plain red cup. The horror! The heresy! Faithful Christ followers everywhere were grieved by this brutal persecution, and swore that from now on they would only buy their coffee from righteous, God-bless-America establishments, like the Dunkin’ Donuts down the street owned by Pakistani Muslim immigrants. Because Jesus runs on Dunkin’, right?
This year, dear reader, is even worse. In a cunning escalation of their liberal agenda to erase Christianity from American culture, Starbucks debuted this year’s holiday cups on November 1st– nearly four weeks before Thanksgiving! The Halloween candy was still warm in my hands, and already they were trying to cram their commercialized Christmas kitsch down my throat. Obviously, their goal is “Christmas fatigue”– a sinister attempt to lengthen and lengthen the holiday season until familiarity breeds contempt and I want to drive a stake of holly through the heart of the next person who whistles “Jingle Bells.” As we all know, any display of holiday cheer before Thanksgiving is unbiblical and anti-Christ, a secular plot to dilute the “good news of great joy” and obscure the true meaning of Christmas.
Resist, people! The truth of the gospel is at stake! Let’s form picket lines at Starbucks and start protesting this grotesque assault on our values. Let’s make Christmas great again! Remember: we don’t want too little Christmas, or too much Christmas. We want to MAKE CHRISTMAS THE EXACT RIGHT AMOUNT OF GREAT AGAIN! (For this to go viral, I propose the hashtag #MCTERAOGA)
But wait, I have more ideas! If coffee protests aren’t your cup of tea, there are still lots of ways you can join this righteous cause. Recently, our illustrious President took up the mantle of the Christmas crusade, proclaiming a new national priority:
“We’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word Christmas because it’s not politically correct… Well, guess what? We’re saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again!”
Preach, Mr. President! The best way to herald the glory of “God and sinners reconciled” is to insist that unregenerate, nominally-Christian pagans maintain a facade of pseudo-spiritual religiosity several weeks out of the year and give empty lip service to the Savior of the world. Keep fighting the good fight of faith!
Actually, I think we can do even better than that: instead of being mad that people say “Happy Holidays,” let’s turn it around and get offended about non-Christians saying Merry Christmas! Because what could be more offensive than unbelievers culturally appropriating our heritage and our holiday? Why, this is worse than white kids dressing up as Moana for Halloween! How dare you take the name of my Savior in vain by wishing me a merry celebration of his birth? You don’t care about Jesus, so why are you throwing his name around like that? Stick with “Happy Holidays” if you don’t want to trigger me.
As you can see, the possibilities for protest are endless. I’ve just gotten you started. Feel free to add your own ideas of things to get offended about: defending public Nativity displays (because the theological meaning of Jesus’ scandalous birth and outcast life is that America is a Christian nation and we shouldn’t forget our heritage, gosh darnit!), or even the dreaded S-word (“Santa” is how Satan spells his name when he’s trying to trick us), or anything else you can think of.
A word of caution, though: while you’re working yourself up into a lather about the war on Christmas, make sure to ignore that pesky 1 Corinthians 13 passage which says that “Love is not easily angered;” that doesn’t fit very well on the picket signs. Don’t spend too long meditating on the model of humility that Jesus showed when “he emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in human likeness” lest you start to actually imitate him. Certainly don’t dwell on the angel’s words to the underclass, outcast shepherds– “Good news of great joy for all peoples” lest you get the crazy notion that Christmas is all about God loving people who are different than you. And whatever you do, don’t read the gospels and see all the categories of people whom Jesus loved and reached out to and transformed– the irreligious, the unpatriotic, the impolite, the sexually deviant, the outcast. Those are the kinds of people we need to save Christmas from, remember?
Genuine, cross-shaped, sacrificial love is way too costly and risky. Outrage is a lot easier. So let’s play it safe and stick with outrage this Christmas, shall we? #MCTERAOGA!